My Month Long Adventure in Online Dating

Last month my Mom called me to tell me my Aunt was separated from her fourth husband. This wasn’t shocking.  She also told me that my soon to be ex-uncle numero quatro had signed up for eHarmony.  They, of course, knew this only because my aunt saw the charge on their shared credit card.  So, because we are terrible people, and because I always thought this newest uncle was a weirdo, we decided that I would make an eHarmony account to see if I could spy on him. He is so weird we just had HAD to see what he wrote about himself! lol

So to my laptop I went and spent the next half hour filling out hundreds of the most annoying questions I’ve seen since I took the ACT.  The questions made me feel like a terrible person! They made me feel unaccomplished, vulgar, unsophisticated, and lots of other big adjectives that make me feel bad about myself.  On top of that it is insanely expensive! Once I finished as much of my eHarmony profile as possible without paying for it I told my mom about the misery I experienced in doing so and she suggested off hand that I try farmersonly.com.  (You know; the “country people” dating site with the catchy jingle.)

I went to the site and upon finding out one month cost about the same as a large, stuffed crust, two topping pizza from Pizza Hut I decided, “Why the hell not!?”  No more than 10 minutes later I had a full profile set up!

At first nothing too out of the ordinary took place.  I began sifting through the “discover” section which allowed me to “like” or “dislike” men that fit my search criteria and lived within a 200 mile radius.  At first there were around 4000 men in my discover section so slowly but surely the search began.

One of the first men I “liked” sent me a “like” back and so we sent a few emails back and forth using the sites private email system. Within the week he asked if he could have my number and, like a few others I had been talking to, I saw no harm in giving it to him. After all I could always use an excuse to switch to a Texas phone number!

Nothing too harmful at first but then he started calling me baby, sweetheart and love. Not harmful but a pet peeve of mine. Then one night he started in on how he loved me, and I was breaking his heart and how I needed to make a choice that very instant between this friend (whom he was certain I had a relationship with) or him, so on and so forth. Obviously I was caught a little off guard, this man and I had only been talking for about 9 days total. I told him that if he wanted me to choose between him (who I had sent maybe 2 or 3 texts a day for a week) and the friend (who while not romantically involved at the moment I have known for years) I would choose the friend. As you can imagine I was a whore and a liar and he was turning me in to the website so that I could be removed! Three days later he texted me that he missed me and didn’t know why I wasn’t talking to him. A week later he texted me, “Thanks for telling me happy birthday…”  At the time I was sitting in the jacuzzi watching Fraiser and 3 glasses into a bottle of blackberry merlot knowing full well I had not wished him ‘Happy Birthday’ (I had no way of even knowing it was his birthday) so I replied, “You’re Welcome!” and blocked his number.

He was by far the most exciting match!  The most annoying came along a few days after I had blocked lover boy.  His emails were ALWAYS a minimum of 4 sentences long, he used words far bigger than necessary, and would not take a hint to save his life! I should mention that I did not “like” him but he “liked” me. After a few days emailing he said that he didn’t see me as a “possible mate or life partner” but he did “quite enjoy our friendship and chats” and he hoped that he could ask me for some advice on why women weren’t really taking an interest in him. I asked if he wanted me to be nice or be honest and he answered the latter so I obliged. After telling me thank you for my honesty he said he was sure I am a very nice lady but I “used too much inappropriate language, had too many tattoos and the fact that I did not go to church every week meant that he could not see himself marrying me”. I replied fair enough and have not heard from him since.

Other than that my overall experience was fairly uneventful. Most matches seeking me out seemed to be men in their 30’s with at least one child or boys that couldn’t even buy me a drink in the bar.  Most of these were ignored or brushed off as politely as possible and none of my matches resulted in an actual meeting or date.

On a positive note not all of my matches were complete flops. Some of them were and are very nice and I am still in contact with them. Actually most of them are the older men because they really were good conversation and know how to flirt without offending a woman or proposing marriage.

As it is the end of my month I have cancelled my subscription and gave my phone number to the men I wish to continue contact with. Looking back over my month of online dating I do not believe I will be returning to the online dating world anytime soon.  Although, truth be told, I was not using it for it’s intended purpose. I’m 23. I’m not desperately seeking a person to spend my life with, I’m not tired of going to bars, restaurants or concerts to meet people,  I haven’t exhausted my options or been cheated on or betrayed. More than anything I did it as a social experiment and for the sake of saying, “I tried online dating once and OH MY GRAVY was it an adventure!”

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